You Can't Take Anymore...

And once upon a time, you would have taken it all.
Didn't matter what you'd done,
I would still have been there
Somewhere and somehow,
Linked with you.
Part of life and all I'd known.
Sometimes we'd talk, you'd cry, reach to take my hand
As I sat there trying to understand.
But too many times you kicked hard against that line in the sand.
You tried to cover your tracks as you scuffed at the dirt with your well-trodden shoes.
And even though I saw those tell-tale signs
They were not clear and you swore blind
That it was all in my mind;
'Course you would
You have done this before.
Words are just words and nothing more.
I know this now and I wish like hell
That I had known before.
That may well have saved me so much pain
As I plummeted to the darkest murkiest crevices on the ocean's floor
If I had known that you were this vacuous shell,
I would have seen
What you pretended to be
As you morphed into something with me.

But you never said.
You never will.
You lie.
You cheat.
You deflect.
You steal,
And you pretend that none of it is ever real.
You are so far from what a person should be.
Genuine thoughts, compassionate,
Filled with humility.
And sure, you will say it's not your fault.
But you took away a chunk of me.
Teenage years ripe with virginity
Hopes and dreams, want and need
Lay dormant in a growing bud; tiny seed
Thoughts forming, starting to unfold
Ready to take on the entire world.
And yes, I let you in
Mind to mind,
Skin to skin,
But with each year we shared,
I slowly became ensnared.
And because of how things came to be
I forgot the biggest part of me.
My love for life
Withering and dying as I stayed your wife.

And this is not about you now.
It never should have been somehow.
And it never will be
About you and me
That part of my heart was stony cold,
And I let you know as you grew old.
I left you there, far behind
Questioning thoughts buried in my mind.
You couldn't even let me be
When it was clear to you and me
That what we once were
Had long-time past become a blur
Of my honest truth and your familiar lies
You had the chance to let me go
To preserve the past and leave it so
But you couldn't even bear that thought
So rather you would leave me caught
Trapped; conflicted by motherhood
Couldn't leave although I should
Couldn't face the thought of doing wrong
Eroded self once so strong
But I am here and you are there
I have learned to accept that I played a part
In the life we made that was just a paper heart.

You won't know now and never will
I'm stronger now and greater still
Your deceit and denial fired that inner-me.
Your hurt-betrayal set me free.
I have closed the door,
Slammed it shut for evermore.
Doesn't matter what you try to do
Nothing good'll come to you.
You have a mind, and you have some thought
In you're own sad world, you're rightly caught
Keep your pain, and
Any pointless gain
As no matter what you do or say
You're further distanced by one more day.

Anger, hurt or sheer despise
Occasional flashes in my eyes
But your atrocities have taught me this
I am this person I used to miss.
Yes, I was here all along
Hidden beneath the weight of wrong.
Wishing that we never once did meet
Walking through life on my own two feet
But up I hold my head and hand
I know my errors; I understand.
I paid the price and took the fall
And now I know you're nothing at all.
It wasn't true, it wasn't real
I didn't breathe, I didn't feel
I took that step, I walked outside
Seeing then what you fought to hide.
I have walked away, I won't turn back
Yet you're there crawling through a crack
But you can't take anymore, don't you see?
You are nothing. Nothing to me.
Doesn't matter what you try to do
I'll give nothing of me to you.
Carry on in this pointless vein
And your actions fall just like rain.
I watch those drops bounce then fade away
As I celebrate me, myself, and my life today.